A friend recently asked for support in dealing with a potential metamour. Polyamory was new for her and her poly partner. She wanted to be prepared for what might happen when she or her partner started seeing someone else.
“Is it important to meet my metamour? If so, who initiates the meeting and when?”
“What happens if I don’t like my metamour, or they don’t like me? How do we handle sharing a partner if we don’t get along?”
Definition of terms
In simple terms, a metamour is a partner’s partner that may or may not have an intimate relationship with the other partner. This is best described using the image of a “V”. Looking at the letter “V”, the point is that partner that shares two others, but those two other do not necessarily have any interest or any relationship between them. Dr. Mim Chapman describes the “V” relationship very well in her book “What Does Polyamory Look Like?”
Polyamory and polyamorous relationships bring up a lot of questions for people. The polyamorous lifestyle is ripe with potentially challenging situations. Why? Because society has programmed us that anything other than monogamy is wrong. People are challenged by the notion of being in a relationship with more than one person because there is so much uncharted emotional territory waiting to be explored. In order to really get what polyamory is and what a polyamorous relationship can look like for you, it’s important to ask a lot of questions. In asking questions, and getting a variety of answers, we can then choose what does (and does not) work for us and our relationship.
Meeting your metamour
Depending on your situation, you may choose to meet your metamour. Some people in polyamorous relationships like to know, or at least meet, the person their partner spends time with. My preference is to meet the person my partner is dating. I may not become best buddies with them; however, I see the value in simply knowing who they are and sharing some time together. Again, meeting your metamour is a personal choice. I always encourage my polyamorous coaching clients to talk with each other before meeting another’s partner. Have a conversation to discuss the details of any meeting before it happens can be very helpful.
Getting along with your metamour
There are no guarantees that you and your metamour will get along with each other. Personality differences and unexpressed feelings seem to be at the top of the list for reasons why people in polyamorous relationships do not make fast friends with their metamours. If there is something hindering a connection with a metamour, it’s important to acknowledge and address it. Communication is key in the poly lifestyle. Taking responsibility for our experience and expressing our feelings and desires, opens the door for new experiences for everyone.
Getting your needs met with multiple polyamorous partners
The health and depth of any relationship you are in will be in direct proportion to the level of authentic communication. The more people involved, the more communication is required. At first, this may seem daunting. However, it gets easier with practice. This is the core of my work and is why many people in polyamorous relationships seek Poly-Coach services.