Polyamorous Relationship Coaching Tips: “Poly FAQs On Meeting My Metamour”

Laurie Ellington, Poly-Coach, Offers Coaching Tips for Open Relationships, Polyamorous Relationships, Poly Dating, and Ethical Non-Monogamy.


A friend recently asked for support in dealing with a potential metamour.  Polyamory was new for her and her poly partner.  She wanted to be prepared for what might happen when she or her partner started seeing someone else.  Her main questions were:

1)  “Is it important to meet my metamour?  If so, who initiates the meeting and when?”

2)  “What happens if I don’t like my metamour, or they don’t like me?  How do we handle sharing a partner if we don’t get along?”

3)  “Can you give me some tips on how multiple partners can get their needs met in polyamorous relationships?”

In simple terms, a metamour is a partner’s partner that may or may not have an intimate relationship with the other partner.  This is best described using the image of a “V”.  Looking at the letter “V”, the point is that partner that shares two others, but those two other do not necessarily have any interest or any relationship between them.   Dr. Mim Chapman describes the “V” relationship very well in her book “What Does Polyamory Look Like?”

Polyamory and polyamorous relationships bring up a lot of questions for a lot of people.  The polyamorous lifestyle is ripe for challenging situations.  Why?  Because society has programmed us that anything other than monogamy is wrong.  People are challenged by the notion of being in a relationship with more than one person because there is so much uncharted emotional territory waiting to be explored.  In order to really get what polyamory is and what a polyamorous relationship can look like for you, it’s important to ask a lot of questions.  In asking questions, and getting a variety of answers, we get to choose what does (and does not) work for us in any kind of relationship; especially open relationships, polyamorous relationships, and ethical non-monogamous relationships.

1) Meeting your metamour:   Depending on your situation, you may/may not meet your metamour.  Some people in polyamorous relationships really appreciate knowing, or at least meeting, the person with whom their partner spends time with, and will go to great lengths to make this happen.  Other people who identify as polyamorous are open to meeting their metamour in a more organic way.  They tend to go with the flow, and let any sort of meeting happen whenever it might naturally occur.  Personally, I like meeting my metamour.  I may not become best buddies with them; however, I see the value in simply knowing who they are and sharing some time together.  Again, meeting your metamour is a personal choice.  I always encourage my polyamorous coaching clients to talk with each other before meeting another’s partner.  Having a conversation to discuss the details (who initiates, if the meeting will include everyone, etc), can be very helpful.

2) Getting along with your metamour:  Again, depending on your situation you may/may not get along with your metamour.  Personality differences and unexpressed feelings seem to be at the top of the list for reasons why people in polyamorous relationships do not get along with their metamours.  This is where I coach my Poly-Coach clients to be open and honest with themselves and with each other.  If there is something hindering a connection with a metamour, it’s worth sharing that with others.  That doesn’t mean you may develop a deep connection with that person, but it will give a voice to why a connection might not happen.  Communication is key in open relationships and polyamory.   Taking responsibility for our experience and expressing our feelings and desires (this includes talking about time, and scheduling), opens the door for a new (and often more positive) experience for everyone.

3) Getting your needs met with multiple polyamorous partners:  Communication, communication, communication.  It’s all about communication.  Whether you are in an open relationship, a polyamorous relationship, or a monogamous relationship, the health, and depth of the relationship will be in direct proportion to the level of authentic communication.  The more people involved, the more communication is required.  It may seem daunting at first, however, with practice, it gets easier.  This is the core of my work and is why many people in polyamorous relationships seek Poly-Coach services.

For more information about open relationship coaching and polyamory coaching services, and to schedule a Free Exploratory Poly-Coach Session, contact Laurie Ellington, Poly-Coach, today.


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Laurie Ellington

Polyamorous Coach at Poly-Coach
I teach people how to break through false beliefs and negative behavior patterns. I offer my clients tools that empower their life and their relationships.
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