What Makes Polyamory and Polyamorous Relationships Work?

A friend of mine shared w/me his perspective on the three key points he believes are essential in sustaining healthy polyamorous relationships.  I’ll go so far as to say they are essential for all kinds of relationships… open relationships, polyamorous and monogamous relationships.  It was a very intriguing and interesting conversation.  I share it with you because maybe it will provide some insight, a starting point for dialogue and/or self inquiry.


What Makes Polyamory and Polyamorous Relationships Work — 3 Essential Ingredients — For Happy Living and Loving

1) Those involved have a genuine sense of love, care and support for one another. They choose to be together because they enjoy each other’s company.

This is where polyamory might be different than swinging. In my experience, poly people seek intimate connection first, sex is the icing on the cake. And… in many cases… poly folks get to have their cake and eat it too!!!

2) Agreements/boundaries are clear, respected, and honored. This is crucial when there are secondary partners involved. The primary relationship is held in the highest light. Communication is crucial here in order for everyone to know where they stand, what they are saying yes to, what their bottom lines are, etc.

This is often where people get tripped up…. Instead of communicating openly in the moment (we all do it!), people get caught in story(usually negative and untrue), and the story creates drama, and … yep… it gets muddy pretty quickly.

3) It is inherent that everyone supports each other in being the best at who they are (especially in the face of vulnerability and feelings that may come up), and strives to create positive and healthy experiences for everyone involved.

This is where connection and response-abilty come into play… rather than separation and reaction. By choosing to show up authentically and in the moment, people are able to discern what is real for them and what is past-present-future baggage. I’m finding that the more present I am with my experience and the more I share it with others, the more awake and alive I feel in my connection to what is really true for me, what my needs are, and what I can do to take care of those needs. I get to see how “story” may influence my experience and I get to CHOOSE how to show up differently, and create new experiences which… more often than not, far surpass any mind-made-up scenario… allowing me to experience more joy, openness, and love in my connections with others.


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Laurie Ellington

Polyamorous Coach at Poly-Coach
I teach people how to break through false beliefs and negative behavior patterns. I offer my clients tools that empower their life and their relationships.
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