Poly-Coach Tips: How to Make Your Way on the Polyamorous Path
Laurie Ellington, Poly-Coach, Offers Coaching Tips for Open Relationships, Polyamory, Poly Dating, and Non-Monogamy.
Someone recently asked me the following: “How do you ‘do’ polyamory?”
My response: “We make it up as we go along.”
I have come to believe the truth in this statement because there really is no one way to “do” polyamory. We can read books, articles, and blogs that specialize in non-monogamy, open relationship and polyamory. We can listen to podcasts on polyamory and special interviews with people who specialize in open relationship coaching and offer polyamory coaching services . We can even watch videos, tv shows and movies where speakers share tips for polyamorous dating and poly lifestyles. There’s a lot of information out there, and it’s easy to get lost in the sea of possibilities. I love that because I strongly believe polyamory is, and can be, what you want it to be for yourself and for your partners. And the core of my polyamorous coaching practice is to help people answer the question for themselves, “what exactly is polyamory?”
In my opinion, polyamory is an evolution of self, an evolution of relationship, an evolution of how individuals show up in relationship with each other. As we venture out of monogamy and into non-monogamy and polyamorous relationships, we find ourselves confronted with all kinds of things, positive and negative. New experiences on the outside (relationships, dating, life events) breed new experiences on the inside (thoughts, feelings, stories, etc).
The best preparation for anyone who is interested in polyamory and polyamorous relationships is to know themselves. This is a key aspect to my work as a poly coach. When we know who we are, we begin to see what makes us happy. We are more in tune with what we want and we make choices that serve our highest intentions.
Polyamory has definitely helped me see more of who I am and what I need to be happy with myself and with those with whom I choose to be in relationship. I have found the following to be very helpful for me, and I share them with my polyamorous coaching clients, as way for them to consider how to make their way on their own polyamorous path…
Honesty: In order for polyamory to work, we need to be honest with ourselves and with our partners/potential partners. Being in a polyamorous relationship, asks that we take a close look at where we are in our life and in our relationships. We need to consider what we want in a relationship, what’s important to us, and what brings us joy. Some people like the security of monogamy, others like the freedom of polyamory. Both are valid. It really just depends what feels right. This is an individual choice, and that may change over time. It’s all okay.
Communication: Polyamory is not for the quiet, shy, hidden, secretive types. A functional, sustainable polyamorous lifestyle asks, better yet requires, that we be open, honest and transparent about what we are doing and with whom. This is much different from the “don’t ask don’t tell” mindset. The way to create, nourish, and sustain any kind of relationship is to give oneself permission to ask, and to give oneself permission to tell. Yes, this can be a big jump, a risk for some. We are so programmed to question ourselves, to judge our experiences, and we tend to shut down rather than show up. Polyamory asks us to show up, communicate, listen, and support others in doing the same.
Ownership: As challenging as it is at times, we have to own our experience and own our emotions. It’s okay to have feelings. Feelings are a normal part of being human. There’s no need to push them aside, pretend they are not there, or dump them on someone else. Taking responsibly for our experience allows us to create the experiences we want to have.
Choice: It’s all about choice. Polyamory will challenge our notion of what is right and what is wrong. This is good. It helps us choose our own path. I was raised to create a box, get in the box, stay in the box, and fear anything that was outside of the box. Sometimes I would do that, and sometimes I would destroy the box and start all over. What polyamory teaches us is that we get to choose what kind of relationships we want to cultivate in our life. We are always at choice. I think that’s pretty awesome.
What about your experience? Where are you on your path? Are you curious about open relationships, polyamory and non-monogamy? Are you actively involved in open relationships and looking for support from an experienced poly coach? Would you like to learn more about what makes polyamory work?
For more information about open relationship coaching and polyamory coaching services, and to schedule a Free Exploratory Poly-Coach Session, contact Laurie Ellington, Poly-Coach, today.
Latest posts by Laurie Ellington (see all)
- Polyamory and Polyamorous Relationship Advice:“How To Shift A Negative Experience Into a Positive One Quickly” - June 15, 2017
- Polyamory and Polyamorous Relationship Advice:“Are You Considering Polyamory, Polyamorous Relationships Or Ethical Non-monogamy? “ - May 16, 2017
- Polyamory and Polyamorous Relationship Advice:“Cognitively I Understand Polyamory But Emotionally It’s Hard.Why?” - May 16, 2017