Polyamory and Open Relationships: Who’s in Charge of Your Experience … You or Your Story?
Laurie Ellington, Poly-Coach, Offers Coaching Tips for Open Relationships, Polyamorous Relationships, Poly Dating, and Ethical Non-Monogamy.
Over the past few years, I have been diving deep into my experience with “story”. You know, those thoughts, scripts, images that seem to play out in our experience when we are triggered by something, In my experience, it is the set of experiences we perceive as negative that seem to get a bad rap; especially when we’re looking at open relationships and polyamory.
From a coaching perspective, I like to see all experiences as positive ones; meaning they can lead us to a more heightened sense of awareness and choice. And yes, I get it, it’s a bit of challenge to see that when you are deep in emotional turmoil; and, it is possible.
Here’s an example…
The other day I was in a session with a client, a polyamorous couple, that was deep in conflict. They reached out to me in the middle of their emotional storm, and asked for some support and guidance. We spent the first part of the session going over the details of what happened, that is how they got from a place of ease and connection to a place of confusion and frustration.
Within minutes, I was able to see how each one of them was consumed by their version of their story. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is incredibly important to hear whatever story any client has to share with me. It gives me an idea of what is happening, as well as what what can be done to shift any story from a mind-driven experience to a more present tense experience. Where we can get tripped up, is when we lose touch with what’s happening in the moment because our story has now stepped into the drivers seat and has taken charge of the situation.
Without going into details of this client’s story, I want to share with you the unraveling process I shared with them during that session, something I share with all of my clients, when I see they are spinning out in story.
- Notice what when you are in your head, meaning when you are more consumed with thoughts and thinking, rather than being in the moment. You can do this at any point during the day. The more practice you have, the more aware you become, the more aware you become, the more in charge you become of your experience, and the more skilled you become in shifting out of a mind pattern into a present patter. So, again, the first step is to notice.
- When you find your thoughts spinning you a story, stop. That’s right, stop what you are doing. Stop and observe.
- Ask yourself: What are your thoughts telling you? From where are they gathering evidence (past experiences you don’t want to recreate? future experiences you want to avoid?)
- Then ask yourself this: Is any of this true? What is true?
- At this point you will be able to see a different option. That option is one of you observing yourself in story, and seeing that you are not the story your mind is creating. This step is key in helping you get to presence, and when you are living in the present moment, anything is possible.
Latest posts by Laurie Ellington (see all)
- Polyamory and Polyamorous Relationship Advice:“How To Shift A Negative Experience Into a Positive One Quickly” - June 15, 2017
- Polyamory and Polyamorous Relationship Advice:“Are You Considering Polyamory, Polyamorous Relationships Or Ethical Non-monogamy? “ - May 16, 2017
- Polyamory and Polyamorous Relationship Advice:“Cognitively I Understand Polyamory But Emotionally It’s Hard.Why?” - May 16, 2017