Polyamory: A recent interview with someone curious about the polyamorous lifestyle

What are the most common myths you see associated with polyamorous relationships?

Poly Coach:  “There are many myths associated with polyamorous relationships.  Here are a few:

  • People are in it for the sex.
  • People are afraid (or unwilling to commit).
  • The primary relationship is not working so well.”

How does society depict polyamory? How does this differ from the reality of polyamorous relationships?

Poly Coach:  “The majority of society depicts polyamory as wrong, as cheating, as an unhealthy way to be in relationship; a lifestyle ripe for problems and conflict.  In reality, polyamory opens the door for a different kind of relationship lifestyle; one with a strong focus on authentic expression, open communication, clear agreements, and a high sense of emotional maturity and integrity.”

How detrimental has society’s depiction of polyamory been to the community?

Poly Coach:  “I don’t think those who are truly polyamorous base their life on what society thinks of their lifestyle.  That said, there are many polyamorous people who choose to keep their lifestyle choice hidden, for fear of being judged harshly by people who don’t understand.”

What do you think leads people to diverting from monogamous relationships? 

Poly Coach:  “This depends on each individual and couple.  I find that those who are most curious about polyamory, are those who are looking to expand their view and experience of relationships, with themselves and with others.  They are interested in opening their hearts, becoming more intimate with others (this may/may not involve sex), and doing so in a way that allows everyone to feel seen, heard, supported and loved, in what they truly desire and how to go about having those desires met.”

What is one of the most common reasons you hear for people deserting polyamorous relationships to go back to a life of monogamy?

Poly Coach:  “It’s complicated.  Any kind of relationship is complicated, whether it is with yourself, another person, or multiple people.  There is a lot of communication and emotional work that comes to play in this lifestyle.  You must be willing to look at yourself, your desires, your choices, and find healthy ways to be who you are while supporting those you choose to be in relationship with.  It’s an amazing ride, and it’s a ride.” 

What can go wrong in a relationship with multiple people?

Poly Coach:  “The same things that go wrong in a monogamous relationship; the difference is the intensity.  Those who experience polyamory, have issues with jealousy (and other emotions), with communication, with time management.  Some people try polyamory and then decide it’s not for them, for whatever reason.  It really depends on each individual.”

How have you seen people handle telling their families/friends about their new lifestyle choice?

Poly Coach:  “Again, this is very personal.  Some are very upfront and others are more discrete.  It really depends on how they choose to share their lifestyle choice with others.”

What advice do you give someone if they come to you and say they would like to experiment with polyamory?   

Poly Coach:  “I encourage people to get really clear on what they are looking for and why.  I encourage people to GO SLOW.  I invite them to ask questions and to seek support when needed (the sooner the better).  I encourage people to have fun, be playful, and enjoy the ride, as well as learn tools to successfully navigate the ups/downs in healthy ways.”

What questions do you ask them, and what questions do they ask you?

Poly Coach:  “I enjoy being completely open with someone who is interested in polyamory.  I allow them to ask any question they have (what’s it like?  how does one do it?  how do I approach my partner/other people?  what resources are available?, etc).  I tend to let them initiate the conversation by allowing them to ask me questions, and then I follow their lead.  I like to share my story with them, and show my curiosity about their process.   I don’t try to convince them that polyamory is the way to go.  Only they can make that decision for themselves.  Any way you look at it, it’s always an engaging and fun conversation.”

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What questions do you have about open relationships and polyamory?   Send me a message and let’s talk!

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Laurie Ellington

Polyamorous Coach at Poly-Coach
I teach people how to break through false beliefs and negative behavior patterns. I offer my clients tools that empower their life and their relationships.
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